Friends for Life
Joyce Brothers
Even though “friend” is a term of endearment used to describe many people in our lives, we often have a hard time knowing what the term means. Psychologists identify friends as those who accept each other, confide in each other and feel responsible for each other. In our transient culture, we depend more on friends for things we once got from families- emotional support and often even financial help. With so many people living away from their families, and so many people single into their thirties, friends provide essential companionship.
Friendship can occur anyplace- even (surprise!) in a marriage. This was the case with me. I met and fell in love Milton Brothers at university. He became my husband soon after, and we were together 39 years- until he died at the age of 62. He was my best friend, and I still miss him desperately. Since he died, my sister, with whom I fought fiercely when we were younger, has become one of my best friends. And I’m also very close to my only daughter, Lisa. Friendship ranks with marriage and kinship as one of the most important relationships in our lives, yet it can be the most neglected.
Friendship outside familial ties or marriage plays such an important role in life because with a friend, we can be the person we want to be. Their acceptance affirms that self and lets us develop as individuals. We make no vows to a best friend, yet we have unstated expectations; understanding, caring, concern. We expect a friendship to last. Most of us have been making friends since childhood, so we tend to think the process is instinctual. Then we find that the heart of friendship- how to make the relationship blossom, grow and survive- requires more attention and skill than we thought. To Ralph Waldo Emerson, “the only way to have a friend is to be one”. Becoming friends involves a process of sharing, a gradual relaxation of vigilance over what partners reveal to each other about themselves. Friends must learn to balance the inclination to be open with the need to be protective of each other’s feelings. A best-friendship gets out of balance when the intensity becomes too one-sided. Total disclosure isn’t what makes intimacy in a relationship; it’s the listening and sharing. Increasing numbers of people are finding that gender doesn’t matter when it comes to friendship, as the sexes mingle more often today. Making friends with someone of the opposite sex can be an eye-opening experience. Michael told me what he had discovered: “I was working on the assembly line with Marcia, just as I would with a guy. And she kept pointing out how patronizing I was, offering to do the work for her because I felt she was less capable.” Then Michael realized he was hearing the same complaint from his girlfriend. So he invited Marcia out for a beer and they talked. “I learned about today’s women from her. What I knew about women I’d learned from my father. I was a generation behind the times. Now I’m married to the girlfriend I had when I met Marcia, and I’m indebted to her for that. She and I are still good friends. Marcia and my wife are friends too.”
Can you fix a broken friendship? If you feel a close friend has hurt you, it’s worthwhile to sit down and say, “If I didn’t care about you, I’d just shrug my shoulders and go my own way. But since I do care, I’d like to straighten this out. ” Then calmly talk about what has happened. You might find it’s just misunderstanding. I can’t say I healed a broken friendship with my sister- our sibling rivalry was nothing unusual. But since Milton died, she and I found each other again, and it means a lot to me. The longer I live, the more important it is to feel connected. And that is what we do through friends. Near the end of his battle with cancer, Milton sent me to see our new granddaughter. I held her and kissed her for both of us. When I told Milton I’d done this, he said, “I’ll always be with you, because part of me is in her, in each of our grandchildren.” He died a day or so later. I have four grandchildren now, and what Milton said is true. I take them, one by one, on adventures all over the world, and each time I find new friendships. And Milton, my best friend, is always with me.
Source Cited:
Brothers, Joyce. "Friends for Life". Readers Digest September 2001: 0034-0383
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